Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
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My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.