Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
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*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.