Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
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All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs