Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
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Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *