Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
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Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
become ungovernable
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”