plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
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Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
this chia pet tastes awful
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.