@DJwhoknew888

Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”

No! Abort! Abort!!

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@decentbirthday

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

@MomOnFire

Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.

@parsfarce

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

@MartinPilgrim1

1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party

My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.

@chuuew

ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.

DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro

@jwoodham

DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.

@BRENTHOR

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?

@3sunzzz

[looking up at night sky]

Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.

Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.

@thebeavs

When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I’ll take one of each variety.

@TheBoydP

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?