Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
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Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
1.Not leaving my room
2.Not leaving the house
3.Missing someone’s birthday party
My childhood punishments have become my adult hobbies.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
When God was handing out obstacles I thought he said popsicles and said I’ll take one of each variety.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?