*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
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bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers