Plumber: I think I found the problem
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The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
I like donuts.
Twitter:
My patronus is a cheeseburger
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Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.