As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
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true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Probably my best painting.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”