Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
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Growing out my freckles.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.