Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
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[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.