My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
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The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them