@Swishergirl24

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

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@thepaulahunt

My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”

Me: “Sure I don’t.”

@Sassafrantz

The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.

@JennEngineer_

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

@daemonic3

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

@TheHoyBoy_

When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors

@patnspankme

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

@bigmacher

Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.

@squirrel74wkgn

Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.