@Swishergirl24

Plumber: you have hard water.

Me: you mean like ice?

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@TheDairylandDon

Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.

@mommajessiec

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

@ronnui_

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

@jwoodham

“You have a date? With who?”
[Sees a fishing boat]
“Uh, her name is Net…”
[Sees someone with a booger]
“Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit.”

@ObscureGent

Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?

Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.

Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?

Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

@neiltyson

I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.

@GingerGander

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

@primawesome

Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans?
Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won’t believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.

@Ristolable

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull