Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
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Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
You know how glaciers move around a tiny bit each year? That’s me. I do that. I’m the guy who pushes the glaciers.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.