@Dawn_M_

[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry

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@iheartgunts

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

@carlielyn

Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.

@MicroSFF

“Wait,” the thief said, “before you eat me-”
“What?” said the dragon.
“- let me see your treasure.”
“My hoard? I slept on it when you came in.”
“But where is your gold?”
The dragon nodded at the hoard of yarn. “It paid for that.”
“But why?”
“I knit. Here, take this jumper.”

@Xoolun

My girlfriend and I were having sex so loud we woke up the whole house.

My wife was furious.

@dafloydsta

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

@Divergentmama

Husband: I brought you flowers

Me: what did you do?

Husband: and a necklace

Me: oh god, it must be bad!

Husband: and some chocolates

Me: yeah, really dont care anymore – gimme.

@Go2Slp

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to start the journey from I Can’t Breathe Without You to I’ll Choke You Out In Public.