Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
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ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?
Me: I’m moving back in.
Mom: Your room is ready.
Me: No, your uterus!
Mom: Steph you drink too much
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Who’s the man who, with
just the slightest touch-
gives you chills and makes
you tremble with anticipation ?