Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game

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Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.


ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.


Him: [sneezes]

Germs: ATTACK!

Her: bless you



Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.


There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.


Text from mom: How’s my baby girl?

Me: I’m moving back in.

Mom: Your room is ready.

Me: No, your uterus!

Mom: Steph you drink too much


Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too


An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.


CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.


Ladies :

Who’s the man who, with
just the slightest touch-

gives you chills and makes
you tremble with anticipation ?

Your dentist.