Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
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One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.