@johnofah

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

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@blopt

My parents are middle aged.
“Mine are to-”
[parents burst through bedroom door on horses]
“CHILD! DOST THOU DESIRE NOURISHMENT?”

@economybacon

Carl: Everybody was Kung fu fighting!

Doug: um, I don’t know Kung f–

Carl: except for Doug from accounting

@mrjohndarby

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?

@gorrdano

Don’t ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone’s funeral in a casket, then so be it.

@climaxximus

Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.

Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.

(later, shaving)

Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!

@Contwixt

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

@amydillon

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?

@StellaRtwot

I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband.

@juliussharpe

I’m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.

@UnFitz

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.