My parents are middle aged.
“Mine are to-”
[parents burst through bedroom door on horses]
“CHILD! DOST THOU DESIRE NOURISHMENT?”
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
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Carl: Everybody was Kung fu fighting!
Doug: um, I don’t know Kung f–
Carl: except for Doug from accounting
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Don’t ever let anybody outshine you in life. If that means arriving at someone’s funeral in a casket, then so be it.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
I bet you the first person to invent puzzles was a woman that ripped up a picture of her husband.
I’m never more nervous than when I tell a doctor what I actually eat.
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.