PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
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Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]