PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
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wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.