PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
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[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?