PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

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A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.


Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”


*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*


Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.


Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning


They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?


When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.