A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
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A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.