Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
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Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
The only good comments section online is on recipes
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days