Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
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You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
This could be us… but you playing
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm