Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
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things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
much to think about
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
💯😂
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*