poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
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[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
an octopus is just a wet spider
the three branches of government
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats