*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
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*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend