I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
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Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
how to market bottled water to dads
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
wow
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what