I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.