My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
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Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”