@JohnLyonTweets

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

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@LostCatDog

Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.

@Jamberee13

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

@JoeBerkowitz

The worst part about killing baby hitler is when you come back and everyone says “who?” but you still killed a baby.

@dshack8

6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

@athleisure_monk

FRIEND: What 3 books would you have on a desert island?
ME: My first book is more books.
F: What? These aren’t wish—
M: Second book’s a TV.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…

@heyitsJudeD

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

@RickAaron

The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.

@steveolivas

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

@Rollinintheseat

If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.