@JohnLyonTweets

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

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@just1fool

I don’t know if I should go after that ghost or not.

~Drunk Pac-Man

@SaraBWarf

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

@jordan_stratton

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

@sarawrencomedy

Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable

BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip

@NewDadNotes

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

@OGSeventy7

Yea autocorrect….I wanna luck your puddy and flick you in the asks.

Perfect

@Brianhopecomedy

“Daddy, I-”

*presses button for soundproof backseat divider

Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”

*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider

@EyeSeeYou619

ME: Hello cheesecake, my old friend
DARKNESS: Okay wow, I’m right here

@iinkedZombie

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

@roboticcrab

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance