Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
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If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off