Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

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Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.


One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile


The worst part about killing baby hitler is when you come back and everyone says “who?” but you still killed a baby.


6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?


FRIEND: What 3 books would you have on a desert island?
ME: My first book is more books.
F: What? These aren’t wish—
M: Second book’s a TV.


I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…


*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job


3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake


The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.


I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.


If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.