Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
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I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?