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@Jandalize

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

@me_all_over

Roses are red, so is my wine.
Refill my glass and I’ll be just fine.

@iDontWannaBeYhu

Money doesn’t buy happiness? Well it buys a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? It’s impossible to be sad on a jet ski.

@karanbirtinna

I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.

@dafloydsta

[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen

@D2BMcG

Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.

@simoncholland

*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*

@J_Illunninati

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

@TylerLinkin

According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.