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My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.


Roses are red, so is my wine.
Refill my glass and I’ll be just fine.


Money doesn’t buy happiness? Well it buys a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? It’s impossible to be sad on a jet ski.


I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.


[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen


Yes, I’m English.

No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.


*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*


This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.


According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.