Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
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Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
If looks could kill
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂