Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.