*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
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I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
damn he’s good
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.