If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
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20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.