If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
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I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*
Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ???? ????????
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I gently slid her panties to the side….
so that I cud fit the rest of her socks in the drawer.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
she : XOXOXOXOX
Me : stop cheating babe. You can’t play both our turns.