@MikeBigby

*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.

*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

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@martian_munk

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

@Rollinintheseat

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

@ericsshadow

ME: come here honey

HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy

ME: do you need anything from Amazon?

HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list

@Parkerlawyer

*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*

Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!

Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.

@andlikelaura

me: hey cat what are you up to

cat: ???? ????????

me: what

cat: meow

@thatdutchperson

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

@i_wantMyBiitch

I gently slid her panties to the side….

so that I cud fit the rest of her socks in the drawer.

@Wakenbake77

Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat

@sskylark

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes