*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
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You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
the #horror is real!
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.