Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
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Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists