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@SkinnieTalls

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

@KylePlantEmoji

[restaurant]

Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese

Her: … you definitely don’t have permission

Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan

@TweetsByKaylee

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
 <⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄

   ∧_∧ oh no
   ( ・ω・) im late for work
  _| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄

 <⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄

@JustMeTurtle

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

@MrGeorgeWallace

Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.

@chuckyhead3

Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.

@AngelaEhh

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

@Gelatin_Cyborg

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

@DaddyJew

I haven’t talked to a single member of my family since the great monopoly battle of ’06. So yea, I know a thing or 2 about holding a grudge.