Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
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It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Pass gas, not judgment.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it