[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
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Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”