The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
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drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
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Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Did I do this right
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??