Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.

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Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.


My neighbor bought a Corolla, then one appeared in my other neighbor’s driveway.

I’m really starting to worry about this virus…


DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.


I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.


“Wow, you’re tall.. Do you play basketball?” “Wow, you’re short. Do you play mini golf?”


If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.


A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.


It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.