@michael_hendrix

Pokemon Go is already more popular than Tinder, another app where you swipe to find monsters in your area.

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@BoomBoomBetty

Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.

Me: Oh that will never happen.

Him: Are you breaking up with me?

Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.

@BGH70

My neighbor bought a Corolla, then one appeared in my other neighbor’s driveway.

I’m really starting to worry about this virus…

@truegritrumble

DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.

@ReelQuinn

I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.

@AwkwardTwitts

“Wow, you’re tall.. Do you play basketball?” “Wow, you’re short. Do you play mini golf?”

@JasonLastname

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

@tchrquotes

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.