I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
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*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.