Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
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Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
I need a headline like this
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.