@Darlainky

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

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@XplodingUnicorn

Friend: I set a new personal record last week

Me: Me too

Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time

Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.

@Darylch

Lots of hockey tweets, sadly I’m from Alabama where a bunch of white guys chasing something black with sticks has a whole different meaning.

@mommajessiec

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

@omgshuddup

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

@SamuelHLowe

I’m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don’t really get the metric system. How much exactly is “in moderation”?

@eminmien

RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?

ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?

RIDDLER: Well, no, but

@RunwayDan

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

@audipenny

[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care

@david8hughes

[letting my friend hold my newborn baby]
Me: careful, don’t let it die
Friend: dude I have 3 kids of my own
Me: sure, 3 we know of