Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins

Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*

I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…

I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi

*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.

I painted a hot chick with big jugs

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Apparently, all that was left was da brie.

***ba dum tissssss***

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!

Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

being in love will have you put your pride aside and go to places you never thought you would, like new jersey

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u