*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
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Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
when u come home smelling like another dog
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.