@morethanMI5

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

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@Naked_Wombat

Hey terrorists, wanna cripple America? Hack Twitter and cause all DM’s to go public.

I’m just kidding, don’t do that shit. We’d kill you.

@andylassner

So proud watching my son fight invisible monsters in the outfield while the ball rolls right past him.

@ericsshadow

If she calls me lazy again, I swear I’ll get off this couch and go take a nap in bed.

@Pro_Jones_

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

@lize_tagge

My friend told me I’m delusional. I almost fell of my rhino…

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?

Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.

@flashember

Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU

@LlamaInaTux

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

@maxlavergne

TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately