Divorced couples have two chromosomes. Ex and why.
Is this thing on ?
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Hey terrorists, wanna cripple America? Hack Twitter and cause all DM’s to go public.
I’m just kidding, don’t do that shit. We’d kill you.
So proud watching my son fight invisible monsters in the outfield while the ball rolls right past him.
If she calls me lazy again, I swear I’ll get off this couch and go take a nap in bed.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
My friend told me I’m delusional. I almost fell of my rhino…
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?
Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately