@DaddyJew

[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?

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@impaulmccoy

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

@DurtMcHurtt

Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…

Me: …because I still need it.

@wittwitbarista

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

@jackiembouvier

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

@warbird622

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..

@IAmYardDad

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

@muyrando

If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it