[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
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“Ninja please” -Japanese people
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?