Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
My favorite female superhero
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.