Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
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[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
6. me as a lawyer
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Jurassic park gets weird
“our sushi is very fresh”
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.