It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
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My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.