Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
My dog: if that helps
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I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.