@david8hughes

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

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@neiltyson

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

@gwatts77

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

@ThisOneSayz

I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.

@fuzzlime

I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race

@jessokfine

Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?

@TheCiscoKidder

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

@RobbySlowik

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

@SadieSkyNinja

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

@aveuaskew

If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.