@david8hughes

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

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@SortaBad

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

@heidi420x

if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

@UncleDuke1969

Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.

@xLiserx

*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*

@IndecisiveJones

therapist: and when do you think your trust issues started

me: when I found out all the skittles are the same flavor

therapist: wait, what

@girlnarly

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

@seandunn76

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

@ehdannyboy

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

@niks27_shah

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”