“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
My dog: if that helps
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if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
therapist: and when do you think your trust issues started
me: when I found out all the skittles are the same flavor
therapist: wait, what
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Quickest way to get over someone? 4 wheel drive
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Banned from driving.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”