[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
You Might Also Like
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine