[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps

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“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”


if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.


Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.


*Wakes up in Superman’s body*

Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!

*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*


therapist: and when do you think your trust issues started

me: when I found out all the skittles are the same flavor

therapist: wait, what


date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me


I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.


“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.


I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”