[police chase]
FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff
ME: are u sure
F: just do it
M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*

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barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”


even if you don’t agree with all the spells Merlin cast, you have to respect his role in history and the influence he had on magic.


I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.


No one:

Literally no one ever:

Grocery stores: Let’s rearrange everything!


Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]


“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.


Me: “…american cheese, toasted.”

Her: “What kind of cheese?”

Me: “American…”

Her: “Want it toasted?”

Me: “I’ll just make it myself.”


FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.


my wife: i’m loyal to a fault

me: oh so i’m a fault now


BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup