barista: can i get a name?
me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff
ME: are u sure
F: just do it
M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*
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even if you don’t agree with all the spells Merlin cast, you have to respect his role in history and the influence he had on magic.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Literally no one ever:
Grocery stores: Let’s rearrange everything!
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Me: “…american cheese, toasted.”
Her: “What kind of cheese?”
Her: “Want it toasted?”
Me: “I’ll just make it myself.”
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
my wife: i’m loyal to a fault
me: oh so i’m a fault now
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup