@hippieswordfish

[police chase]
FRIEND: ditch the stolen stuff
ME: are u sure
F: just do it
M: *throws out stolen anchor and car comes to a screeching halt*

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@PhriendlyCody

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

@sskylark

even if you don’t agree with all the spells Merlin cast, you have to respect his role in history and the influence he had on magic.

@Nicole_Kapp87

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

@MCrisis2020

No one:

Literally no one ever:

Grocery stores: Let’s rearrange everything!

@crocodilethumbs

Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want

Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]

@beefman138

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

@Reverend_Scott

Me: “…american cheese, toasted.”

Her: “What kind of cheese?”

Me: “American…”

Her: “Want it toasted?”

Me: “I’ll just make it myself.”

@ShortSleeveSuit

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

@r_ss_ll

my wife: i’m loyal to a fault

me: oh so i’m a fault now

@funflaps

BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup