[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
You Might Also Like
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.