@sonictyrant

Police Chief: Big Bruiser copy?

Big Bruiser: copy

Police Chief: Killdozer u copy?

Killdozer: all ears

Police Chief: *sighs* Mighty ThunderNards u copy?

Me: omg omg copy, I’m so glad we could pick our own names

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@abraveturtle

serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?

@TheAndrewNadeau

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

@crouton_futon

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

@ThisLocalHater

To the middle-aged guy in front of me at the bookstore buying several martial arts books: Is that even legal with your lack of ponytail?

@Matt_The_1st

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

@GrahamKritzer

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

@McNevich

Girl in front of me at the store this morning bought a Kool-Aid Burst and a big Slim Jim. Heroes walk amongst us, folks. Real life heroes.

@Kauaibride

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

@Ygrene

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

@baeblacksheep

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.