Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Police Chief: Big Bruiser copy?
Big Bruiser: copy
Police Chief: Killdozer u copy?
Killdozer: all ears
Police Chief: *sighs* Mighty ThunderNards u copy?
Me: omg omg copy, I’m so glad we could pick our own names
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me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
Only $139.95! Act now!
Who is the idiot that called it “possession of marijuana” and not “joint custody”?
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
My uber driver’s looking at me like he’s never seen anyone eat a bowl of cereal in the back of his car before.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses