@sonictyrant

Police Chief: Big Bruiser copy?

Big Bruiser: copy

Police Chief: Killdozer u copy?

Killdozer: all ears

Police Chief: *sighs* Mighty ThunderNards u copy?

Me: omg omg copy, I’m so glad we could pick our own names

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@NewDadNotes

Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].

@ClichedOut

me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers

her: it’s cool i don’t like music

me: ok we have 2 problems

@Alex_N_Chains

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

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Uncertain:

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Just married:

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Pregnant:

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Dead:

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Only $139.95! Act now!

@daemonic3

Who is the idiot that called it “possession of marijuana” and not “joint custody”?

@sofarrsogud

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

@robdelaney

Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.

@MarionDowling

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

@ComedicBust

My uber driver’s looking at me like he’s never seen anyone eat a bowl of cereal in the back of his car before.

@JohnHilsen

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

@rickolantern

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses