reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
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(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
socratic questions
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
incredible book dedication
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.